Fingers Crossed
My goodness guys… when I say I want to press play.. I hit play! I may have accidentally hit the fast forward button a bit because this week has flown by! I spent most of the week doing things to get the podcast and the website ready for everyone to view finally. It has been a labour of love for sure. I have loved doing almost every step except for dealing with domains. Tip for everyone who wants to build a website: If you buy a domain on a website, make sure it’s the website you’d like to use for your website building. It’ll save you a lot of time and pain.
Speaking of pain, I want to talk about pain management for a minute. Now, I’m no stranger to prescribed pain medications. I have lupus which comes with some serious chronic pain issues therefore, I have had to take a number of things to feel semi-slightly okay before. However, when deciding to take prescription pain medications for my leukemia/chemotherapy treatment, I was real hesitant. It’s a scary thing to approach when growing up I have been exposed to a lot of alcohol and drug use a.k.a. addiction. From everything I have seen in life and what I’ve read, it seems that prescription pain drugs are a slippery slope. More than that what scared me the most was the thought of me spending my time in this “high” state and not being present for what might be my last bit of time here. I want to be present and I want people to have me as I am. I was stubborn in my decision to not take them. To not be “weak” in my ideals.
So, what pushed me? Well aside from the growing pain that felt unendurable, it was the idea that the people around me would have to be around someone constantly in pain. That my pain would be a constant reminder to them and myself what’s happening right now. Is it weak of me, really, to take something I need? To be able to take my mind off the stress of everything? There are so many reminders of what’s happening that I won’t lie to you, it is getting to me. Any time I want to go with everyone somewhere, I have to consider if there will be a lot of walking or standing. Can I go and be able to enjoy the experience or will I have to ask for help the entire time from my poor brothers who already do so much for me. Will I be in pain around the time that they are leaving and need my pain meds. If it’s too bad and I need to take a serious big girl pain pill, will I be functional at all? So more often than not, I just am resigned that I won’t go. What hurts more than the pain? FOMO. Fear of missing out. I really thrive on human contact as I talked about last week in the blog. I need to be able to talk and interact with the people I love.
This week was special, it was my brother Kyle’s birthday. He’s 24! I can’t even believe it. I remember when I met him he was 13 years old and so sweet and I remember his little face just lighting up when I came over. I think with everyone in my best friend’s family, I was closest with Kyle for so long. He was my little buddy. He and Malory would hang out the most and so he and I would too by default. When he went to Overland high school for his first year of highschool we spent so much time together. Now he’s a grown man, with a WIFE! It’s so wild. This year has been so hard for me in general, not even touching the cancer bit. I lost so much and gave up so much, but Kyle has been there for me. I really appreciate him coming to get me from California. For being a shoulder to cry on, and a hug always available. I really needed that and he, like always, knew. I’m so happy that I get to call him my brother and SOOO happy his wife Sarah is the FREAKING BEST. He’s the bestest guy ever and even I think he got super lucky!
But this week has been surprisingly fast. The moments I wanted to hold on to and enjoy went by too fast. I was able to spend time with Lucas, my other brother I live with and love tons. We played video games together and hung out. I found myself wishing we could play all day and night. Wishing I had the stamina to do that with him without my brain getting tired and my body aching to lay back down again. I love spending time with Lucas, who I've gotten much closer to since living in Utah, because he’s so funny and silly. He just has this quality about him that he just says what he’s thinking. He’s so unapologetically himself and I admire that quality to him. I used to be that way and I love seeing it in him.
These are the moments and the people I want to be present for. Ironically, the best way to be able to spend time with them, is taking the meds. So I can spend the time with them instead of in bed crying from pain and loneliness. So that way they don’t have to worry about me, we can just be together. If I’m a little sillier than normal or a little more unsteady, it’s okay. I’m allowed to give myself the room to breathe and not be so worried all the time.
Today I’m hopefully going to see the inside of a temple before it gets… blessed? Normally you need to have this special access to get into a temple/ be an actual member of the church, to see inside. This is a special opportunity for me. I get to see inside and learn more about my family that I love so much. I’m honored to be apart of it and hope my body stays strong to be able to go. Fingers crossed. I’m also going over to my friend Carlos’ to play card games with him and our friends Ward and Sydney. I hope I’m on my a game to be able to do well. But if I’m being honest I just like to beat Carlos. When I was working at my last job at a crisis center overnight. It was often really slow and what was required of me was not much. Just a person to be there in case something happened. So anytime Carlos and I worked together we would play card games. Which I am FANTASTIC at. So it became a personal rivalry of sorts. I’m fine with losing, I just can’t lose to Carlos. I WON’T lose to Carlos. I’ll keep you posted.
As for everything medical with me, right now my doctors and I are just leaning on this chemotherapy to help things reverse. We will have to see where we are in two months but right now the plan remains the same and I just need to make sure to stay low stress. I’m trying to keep my expectations about the podcast and this website low so that I don’t stress myself about it too much, but I just want it to be successful. I want to be able to know that I’ve done the best I can to make an impact on the world. So once again, fingers crossed.
