To Be Numb or Not To Be

What an emotional week.. There’s been so many feelings I’ve pushed to the side for the last few weeks. I’ve been so intent on finding distractions from my sickness and physical pain that I’ve been neglecting my emotions on a serious level. I told my partner Mack that I felt numb after being made to feel like crap from someone. It’s something I’ve done in my life when the weight of emotion felt too heavy. There’s a tv show called The Vampire Diaries that I’ve seen a few seasons of. In it the vampires have this ability to switch off their humanity and it causes them to not care about consequences and be pretty ruthless. Now did I ever want to go around and murder people? No. But did that sound nice for someone whose empathy can feel crippling at times? Yes. I think my numbness was my best way at not dealing with my trauma, or crazy empathy.

This week I’ve done quite a bit. I went to the temple which I mentioned in my last blog that I was going to do, and first let me just say…. wow. So beautiful and peaceful. It was truly a work of art. My best friend’s mom was so detailed in talking about the finer intricacies in the architecture and how they incorporate the surrounding area into it so its individual even being one of many temples. It blew me away. There’s a room that is so beautiful and brilliant in the meticulous way it was put together. It’s a room where you go to meditate and reflect. Her mom said that it’s a place to feel close to God.

Now granted the only reason I could be in there is that it hadn’t been dedicated yet and so the feeling might be different otherwise, but sitting in that room I felt nothing. I have always had difficulty with religion. I think so many are so exclusive of people that are different, or corrupt or controlling. I have a hard time with organized religion. But I have always been in some ways jealous of the way that religion or faith gives such comfort to people. My family that I live with, my best friends family, is so incredibly filled with the spirit and believe so strongly in their faith. I have watched hard moments be softened by their faith. To some degree, I want that. I want to be comforted in believing something to be true and knowing where I’m gonna go after this life. But I have never felt it. And it’s something that I think comes from stubbornness maybe or just so much bad that seems to revolve around religion in any other family but this one that I've encountered. I just can’t let myself believe.

If I did I would be incredibly angry. So angry it would discolor my face permanently to stark red. I think in my life I’ve been dealt a difficult hand. I lose consistently enough that I never feel confident in my ability to continue forward, and win often enough to not completely give up. It’s this constant cycle. Sometimes the hands are hopeful that maybe I could win, and then someone switches my cards when I look away, or takes them from my hand in front of my face. It’s been hard and there’s been things in my life that were of my own choosing or fault. But so much has been outside of my control.

Like cancer. If I truly took a minute to believe in this being that made everything and watches from above or within, I’d be so angry. It’s similar to my feelings on anyone with this great power, like money, and using it selfishly or with no thoughts of other people. Can you even comprehend how much a billion dollars is? It’s insane. There are people who have that and MORE. They use it for power or luxury or opulence. Not for the things that in my mind, matter more. But even in these situations with everyday people, the world isn’t their responsibility. They are their own responsibility. It’s not as if they created everything and everyone and in a position to be able to do seemingly anything for anyone at any time. It’s not as if their followers encourage the practice of praying for things and continuously, seemingly, ignore those prayers.

I digress.

I think that this week, the amount of time I’ve spent alone has been severe and it’s been self inflicted. When I go into this state of numbness I feel like I say things that can be cruel or rude. I don’t want to hurt anyones feelings just because I can’t handle my own problems. So when I came home and people wanted to spend time with me, I made the conscious effort to be present. We played an emotionally vulnerable game called, We are not Strangers. It was interesting how it forced me to look at myself more clearly and also see what others saw when they looked at me. It was also the thing I needed to break out of my numbness. Which left me pretty raw the rest of the night.

I received this list of instructions from the doctor on things I’m not allowed to eat/do because of how poorly I’ve been feeling because of cancer and lupus becoming allies against me. My doctor has made it clear that my cancer is at a point where he’s still confident in our game plan but if it continues and further that we may be in trouble. I don’t like to talk about the nitty gritty as far as specifics but if you’d like to know you can message me and ask.

This week, since learning that my failings in asking for help and putting others needs before my own are being noticed by literally everyone around me, I am resolved to be better. I keep searching for these tools from my therapist or strategies to help make it easier for me to do these things. But I can’t wait around for it anymore. I can’t just hope for solutions to land in my lap by sheer hope. I have to act, like always. I have to be the one who even though it feels like claw marks against my skull, needs to ask for help. Needs to accept that if I need to go to the hospital… I will go and stay until I’m better. I’m going to try my best to give my partner the chance to be there for me. For my family to be there for me.

Omgosh I think it’s raining outside. I love the rain. It makes everything smell better and makes you feel like the main character in a movie. I can’t wait to run it again like I used to.

And this time, I won’t be numb. I’ll be smiling.