The Way of Life

I’ve missed some weeks of the blog. I feel badly for anyone who came expecting new info or to read about me and found nothing current. The last few weeks have been.. weird for me. I have been feeling really emotional and really tired. I’ve been sad, angry and trying to not be those things. But that’s the way of life, isn’t it? Trying to find your path through the thick, dense brush of the forest? I feel like every time I find the path, there’s new branches thrust into my way that I have to push or break out of it.

Sure, I’m talking about cancer, but I also am talking about little things too.

This podcast I’ve been doing, has its ups and downs. I’ve been trying to make it perfect and have success, so it causes me some stress. I love being in my relationship but that has moments of stress and worry too. I live in a house with people who love me a lot, but they have beliefs and political thoughts that I don’t share and in some ways am directly in opposition of. It does bring me some stress and sadness. What do all these things have in common? I chose them.

I chose to do a podcast. I chose to go all out; make a website, edit the podcast myself and create an entire brand surrounding it. I chose to be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t live near me. I chose someone with no intention of ever living in the state of Utah. I chose to live with my found family, that I know goes to church every Sunday. That I know has more conservative views than I. (Some considerably more than others). So why? Why did I choose to do these things?

I wanna talk about something that I took away from a meeting I had this week with some missionaries from the church my found family is apart of. I have talked about how I’m angry with God, if there’s a God to be angry with. I’ve discussed how I feel before in this blog in the past. I have always felt, if there is a God, how dare He let so much bad hurt so many innocent! I have been having these feelings lately that feel like they may be connections to something beyond me. I don’t know what they are. I think at times, uhhh is this God? Sometimes I wonder if it’s someone from “the other side” reaching out to me. Telling me something. Which I know sounds crazy and I’ve been on a lot of medication so take all this with a grain of salt. But would it be so crazy to think they might be real? Whether it’s “God” or a dead relative/loved one what does it mean? Why now?

So I met with the missionaries. Because in all honesty, the nicest and warmest people I have ever met, have come from LDS faith. This is a journey that if I’m gonna take I want to take it with people who will answer my questions and not expect me to join at the end of the conversation. No matter where this journey leads, I’m fairly certain it’s not to a baptism. Anyway, they had me read this chapter in their book, and it got me thinking about some things. Am I convinced from this meeting that God allowing horrible things to happen is still okay? Do I forgive? Not there yet, no. But it opened me up a little more to the idea I’ve heard before. The synopsis I took from what I read is simple.

There are no truly good moments, without bad.

Thinking on my life, it’s hard to compare the good to the bad, right?

The times that a good day was wiped from my memory by a bad night was too many to count. The times that a single choice I made ruined such a good moment. The way I said something to someone destroyed a friendship or a relationship in an instant. More often than not, our good moments are easily forgotten and our bad moments stay imprinted in our minds. I’ve almost never had a good moment replay as a dream. But I’ve had many bad moments replay in my head at night and make me not want to sleep ever again. So how can you forgive the bad, that lasts so long and causes so much pain, because of good that seems to be gone so quickly or be few and far between?

Just like I chose my podcast, my partner, my found family; I can choose to find the happiness. This podcast gives me a great distraction from all that I have going on. It gives me time with my cousin that I love so much and has given me a wonderful chance because he sees something in me. My romantic relationship has been the most healthy and loving one I’ve ever had. They make me laugh, smile, reframe my life for the better. They support me in ways that shock me. They really love me for being me. My family I live with? They are kind, sweet, loving, and will always support me. They make me feel like I’m not alone in a life I have felt alone a lot. They want me to make it through this because they love me.

Looking for the good, even while in the thickest, densest part of the bad, is something I have to remind myself of. I get easily stressed out, worried, and anxious. As easy as someone changing the time of something, when I planned my day around it. It gives me anxiety and causes me to feel like the world is crashing. It’s from how I grew up and how easily things broke around me. Things could go from smiling and laughing one second, to plates and tables breaking the next. Kids hold onto things like that. Even if they don’t realize it. Even if going to therapy is what it took to recognize the connection. It stays buried in our hearts and souls and impacts our relationships in the future.

Sometimes Mack, my partner, will ask me, “Why do you always assume the worst?” or even “Why do you assume?” I’ve been hardwired to make assumptions to protect myself from the pain of surprise, or being let down. I look for patterns in behavior so I don’t expect too much or am disappointed. But they’re right. I shouldn’t be assuming the worst anymore. I’m in a relationship where the worst is not the default. I should be expecting the best for myself, because I deserve nothing less. I deserve happiness and love. I deserve it. I deserve it. I deserve it.

It will take time for me to believe it always. It will take repetition to make permanent. That’s something my piano teacher would say. Practice makes permanent, not perfect. She was right about that. I have a lot of habits to unlearn, they were far from perfect. So it will take time to change. To put to practice; Loving myself, knowing I deserve the best, looking for the good, being open about my feelings and being okay with change.

Medical update: I’ve been having some seizures that are at this time believed to be caused by my lupus. I have been safe and my chemo has been limited so that we can safely figure out the seizures first. I started taking some anti seizure medication that has been helping and it’s only been three days since I started but I haven’t had any since. I also had a procedure yesterday that should help as well. I have been making my health my upmost priority and although I am not the take your medication regularly kinda girl. I’ve taken my medication properly and every day for 48 days straight as of today. No misses. Aren’t you proud of me? I am. I’ll be more consistent with these updates too, but if I miss a couple please understand that, that’s the way of life.